Dual....:-)
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He better not be in your backpack
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
