You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
