Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
