Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
