they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
