I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently you make a good broom.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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