no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
