PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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