i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
