she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
