Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
