Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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