just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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