Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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