I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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