So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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