you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
