i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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