You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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