The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
