She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
