There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
