Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
