I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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