i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
