Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
