Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
