I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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