There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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