my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
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