I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
