I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
