I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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