my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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