I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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