reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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