Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
