He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
