you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
