I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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