I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The uberlube is also flammable
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
