I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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