I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
