You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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