I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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