My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
