he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
