I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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