I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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