Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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