i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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