I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
