On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
