Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
